I am ugly. The easy part is acknowledging the fact, but the toughest part has been accepting it. As a child, I never bother about looking pretty or playing dressing up. Never had fancy clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry. Never had a doll or a barbie. My parents were never into any cosmetic or aesthetic things in life. I remember playing a lot of hopscotch. I never owned a pair of jeans through my entire childhood or teenage years. I don't remember anything memorable about my childhood or teenage years, except studying really hard and being scared of exams and teachers. That is all. My mother controlled us a lot. She would beat me a lot (I got into a lot of trouble) and I do not blame her for being physically abusive to me as a child. I was a difficult child and a teenager. The beatings continued into my teenage years as well. I never had a warm one-on-one relationship with my mother.
I entered my under-graduation program and in all those 5 years, I never ever gave any importance to my looks. I always oiled and braided my hair. Never wore makeup and was always overweight. All I remember is working really really hard on my studies. I was not smart/intelligent. The only thing that kept me afloat was my sheer hard-work. I studied all the time and never bothered about my looks. I put a lot of weight. All the girls in my batch were hard-working and intelligent. Most of them were good-looking as well. Now I realize why they all got hitched by the 5th year of the program (married/engaged). I liked one guy and got rejected (surprise! surprise). At that point I never understood why...but now I do. I went on to work hard for getting a good GRE and TOEFL score.
I then moved to USA to enter my MS program. Even during my MS program I hardly ever cared about looks. My boss was a very good person, but due to some miss-communications he became especially mean to me. I had to work 10-times harder with absolutely no acknowledgement from him and other lab mates.The 2 years of my MS were miserable. I worked hard, cried a lot, missed my home a lot and that is when I thought of getting married. I put my profile on a popular matrimonial website. I met several men in person and all of them rejected me after meeting me. The honest-ones told me that I did not look as good as my pictures. That is when it hit me...for the very first time in my life, I realized that I was rather UGLY!!! My looks did actually matter a lot!!! Lot more than I had ever fathomed. It did not bring me down immediately. None of the men in my US school ever asked me out or were remotely interested in me.
After my 2-years of MS, I moved into my PhD program. Met some more men on campus and on the dating site, none of them were interested in giving me a second chance. PhD was very very demanding and since I am not a smart/intelligent person, my boss did not like me at all. He was very condescending and rude to me. I worked really hard...really hard to get through my PhD. I gained some more weight and tried meeting some more men from the website. No results. They too had the same reasons for rejecting me. That is when I finally realized that I am physically quite ugly. I never evoked any feelings of affection in men around me, enough to find a boyfriend/potential-husband. The realization has made me sick from the inside. I am not insecure or low-self esteem. I rather have this acute sense of constant realization that I am UGLY. I acknowledge it and all the other baggage it comes with. I have this huge sense of "shame" that now clouds me. It is eating me from inside-out. I am 35 now, very much ugly, fat and single. Still trying to accept the truth.
I entered my under-graduation program and in all those 5 years, I never ever gave any importance to my looks. I always oiled and braided my hair. Never wore makeup and was always overweight. All I remember is working really really hard on my studies. I was not smart/intelligent. The only thing that kept me afloat was my sheer hard-work. I studied all the time and never bothered about my looks. I put a lot of weight. All the girls in my batch were hard-working and intelligent. Most of them were good-looking as well. Now I realize why they all got hitched by the 5th year of the program (married/engaged). I liked one guy and got rejected (surprise! surprise). At that point I never understood why...but now I do. I went on to work hard for getting a good GRE and TOEFL score.
I then moved to USA to enter my MS program. Even during my MS program I hardly ever cared about looks. My boss was a very good person, but due to some miss-communications he became especially mean to me. I had to work 10-times harder with absolutely no acknowledgement from him and other lab mates.The 2 years of my MS were miserable. I worked hard, cried a lot, missed my home a lot and that is when I thought of getting married. I put my profile on a popular matrimonial website. I met several men in person and all of them rejected me after meeting me. The honest-ones told me that I did not look as good as my pictures. That is when it hit me...for the very first time in my life, I realized that I was rather UGLY!!! My looks did actually matter a lot!!! Lot more than I had ever fathomed. It did not bring me down immediately. None of the men in my US school ever asked me out or were remotely interested in me.
After my 2-years of MS, I moved into my PhD program. Met some more men on campus and on the dating site, none of them were interested in giving me a second chance. PhD was very very demanding and since I am not a smart/intelligent person, my boss did not like me at all. He was very condescending and rude to me. I worked really hard...really hard to get through my PhD. I gained some more weight and tried meeting some more men from the website. No results. They too had the same reasons for rejecting me. That is when I finally realized that I am physically quite ugly. I never evoked any feelings of affection in men around me, enough to find a boyfriend/potential-husband. The realization has made me sick from the inside. I am not insecure or low-self esteem. I rather have this acute sense of constant realization that I am UGLY. I acknowledge it and all the other baggage it comes with. I have this huge sense of "shame" that now clouds me. It is eating me from inside-out. I am 35 now, very much ugly, fat and single. Still trying to accept the truth.
